Your relationship is not moving forward. You’re stuck in a rut and you’re just not getting closer as a couple. It’s high time you take a hard look at yourself because there’s a chance you might be the one who’s being emotionally unavailable. By doing this, you can still make changes that could improve your relationship dramatically. In this article, I will share 10 sure signs you’re the emotionally unavailable one.
1) You want to take things slow—verrrry slow
It’s better to take your time developing your relationships than it is to just rush ahead. But even then there’s such a thing as “too slow.” If you’ve been together for, say, five years and you still feel a bit guarded, you must ask yourself why. Do you feel uncomfortable opening up to your partner or being raw and honest around them for some reason? Do you perhaps feel like there’s something a bit off—that your relationship feels forced or unnatural somehow?
It’s possible that you’re simply not emotionally ready to have a serious relationship, or perhaps while they’re nice, they’re just not the right person to be your romantic partner.
2) You think “relationship talk” is a waste of time
You feel a bit annoyed when your partner talks about their feelings, especially when it involves you and your relationship. For one reason or another, relationship talks just grinds your gears and you’d rather just nap or have fun with your hobbies than get stressed out being “all dramatic” over your feelings.
This doesn’t necessarily make you an ass, but it does mean that your relationship doesn’t mean as much to you as you think you do. You gotta work on that. Communication and trust form the foundation of every single relationship, and you don’t have either if you keep refusing to talk about your emotions. And at that point, you must ask yourself if you even have a relationship at all.
3) Affection makes you cringe sometimes
You know you love them and you’re always trying to be a good partner. But you can’t help but feel a little uncomfortable when they say “I love you,” and you feel just as uncomfortable at the idea of returning that affection. And it’s not just words either—you likewise feel uncomfortable with your partner giving you hugs, gifts, love letters and kisses (especially in public!).
Give it some thought. Have you always been this way, or were you different from your other relationships? It can be a sign that either you’re just forcing your relationship with your current partner, or that you have intimacy issues that you need to sort through first.
4) You avoid talking about the future or the past
You might feel comfortable enough talking about the present, but the moment the conversation starts about your future as a couple, you can’t help but feel uneasy and want to change the topic as soon as possible.
And it’s not just the future either. You feel uncomfortable sharing your past with them—especially the not-so-nice bits— and you simply don’t see the point in having them share their past with you. There are many reasons why this might be.
Perhaps you like what they have to offer you, but you’re not exactly emotionally invested in them or care much for them as a partner. Or maybe you might love them as a partner, but you’re simply too jaded. Whatever the case might be, you need to figure out why—for the sake of your current relationship or the future ones if you do break up.
5) You still think about old flames
You love your partner, and there’s no questioning that. But despite that, you’re haunted by that one person from the past that you just can’t let go of. A part of you still fantasizes about the possibility that you might be reunited again one day.
This is not to say that you’re not meant to be with your partner and that your old flame is your “one true love.” It does mean that you just haven’t moved on and that you need to find closure one way or another. If you truly love your current partner, you should know that they deserve your 100%. And for that to happen, you must deal with your fixation on an old flame.
6) You accuse them of being clingy (when they aren’t)
You get annoyed when they message you about random things, and one text a day is enough for you as far as you’re concerned. And you resent it when they ask you to hang out with them several times a week because, given the choice, you’d rather be alone.
This constant need for space is not lost on your partner, and they will have asked you a few times why you’re so distant. This annoys you further because, as far as you’re concerned, you’re not distant—they’re just clingy. The problem is that when you ask your friends and family, they insist that your partner isn’t clingy at all.
Remember, relationships take work and if you find that your partner is being way too clingy for being themselves, then you’re likely being emotionally unavailable.
7) You feel more at ease when they’re not around
You don’t hate your partner. You believe you have a good relationship. But you’re simply more at ease when they’re not around. You might not object to their presence, but at the same time, you also feel suffocated somehow. This kind of feeling is a symptom of a deeper problem.
It could be that you don’t feel entirely safe around them, or maybe you feel like you have to play pretend and keep up appearances around them somehow. Either way, something has got you feeling guarded around them and it could be anyone’s fault—you’ll need to introspect and figure out the reasons why you feel this way.
8) You find their intimate questions intrusive
You squirm when they ask you personal questions like “What’s your relationship with your parents like?” or ask about your biggest insecurities. For you, it feels like they’re prying into things they shouldn’t be.
Now there might be truth in that. Being in a relationship with someone doesn’t mean they have free reign to know our deepest secrets, especially our traumas. But being in a relationship with someone means that you should still trust them on some level, rather than treat them like a complete stranger.
9) You’re not really curious about them
You enjoy hanging out with them, going on dates with them, and simply being together with them. But you aren’t too interested in actually getting to know them. You zone out when they start talking to you about their day, shrug them off when they start sharing their worries and troubles, and don’t bother to ask them what’s wrong if they’re being unusually quiet.
This kind of feeling happens when you’re not interested in your partner as a person, but rather what they contribute to your life. This makes you emotionally unavailable, among other things, and you need to do something about it if your relationship is to survive.
10) You hate “drama”
You walk away at the first sign of conflict and tune your partner off when they try to confront you about anything at all. You get the impression that they simply love to complain and whine regardless of whether they’re trying to work out your relationship issues or vent about their rough day at work. So you step out and refuse to engage with them until they’ve gotten over their little “tantrum.”
You tell yourself that your partner is just overly emotional and that you just don’t want to be up to your neck in “drama.” But think about it. If you’d rather dismiss your partner rather than engage with them—especially if they’re trying to address issues in your relationship— then why are you even together at all?